After 6 months, Hector is alive and well!

My darling Sunday,

My apologies for taking so long to respond since i saw you in May on that beautiful island you were filming `next top model`. I had an amazing time. The cast and crew made me feel so welcome and Maureen was an absolute delight. I found her personality electrifying, which may be just her or remainder of the electricity that still flows through her from the vibrator incident. I hope she liked me...i know she was quite upset when i accidently stepped on her, thinking it was chewing gum, then proceeding to try and scrape it off by scraping my shoe on the edge of a step..I`m sorry but people that small, should really understand that these sort of things are going to happen. She didnt seem to mind when that little girl at Toys r us thought she was a `bride of chucky` doll and insisted that the checkout chick do a price check on her, before Maureen karate chopped her in the knee cap. Oh well time heals all wounds, and its true, because 15 mins later i had forgotten all about it...I hope she can laugh about it now

Now, the reason for my lack of contact..after leaving you on the island, i left Thailand, i was excited to be offered a ride on a boat with some Butt Pirates..as you caan imagine this filled me with excitement, until later on i realised...they had actually said that they were Somalian, BUT they were pirates..you can see how i got confused. So i have spent the last 6 months, hijaking ships, stealing cargo, money etc..but as you can imagine, once you have stolen a ship trying to hide it can be quite difficult, so my idea of covering it with dry seaweed stuck together with leaves and snot so whilst at port in Bali meant we were found quite easlily. So i have been in Prison in Bali, awaiting trial to be released. I became friends with Schapelle Corby and we talked about our situations and how shouldnt blame it on the good times, and in her case, we should blame it on the boogie...i suppose considering i was in prison too because of my seaweed and snot fiasco, i too could blame it on the boogie. I became friends with the Bali 9, or as i called them the Brady Bunch plus 4 (i was never good at Maths) Schappelle and i would often joke around that, we should all go down the pub and have some shots...but considering half of them will be executed by gunfire...they failed to see the humour.

Anyway, anyway... i was finally released after i was able to bribe my way out, by telling them i had a facial booking i couldnt get out of..so stupidly they gave me the key and told me to leave it under the mat when i got back...haha suckers...I bought a surf board and hitched a ride with the latest Tsunami and am now relaxing in the sun and sand of New Zealand...i am dating this really cute sheep by the name of `Despina`..its funny the other day i was making love to her on the side of the road and a kiwi man stopped his car and said `OI you are meant to sheer them`...to which i said `no way, i am not sheering her with anyone`....you just have to know the language :)

So my darling Sunday, please let me know how top model went...there is a new Zealand version which Despina was short listed for but not as glam as yours. I hope Maureen is ok...and your love is as strong as ever....

I look forward to hearing you from you, and like a famous person once said....wherever in the world you are thats where you`ll be...

Miss you like the desert miss the rain...Hector

Sunday gets down and dirty with her new girlfriend!

Hi H,

I have to apologise. I've been unacceptably tardy with my emails. Please know it's not from not thinking of you. I'm so excited that we might be able to see each other in person soon! I can't believe we're so close!! It's been ages since I've seen you!!

Thanks for the photo! I've attached a photo of me backstage getting ready for a shoot.

I need to ask some advice about some things that have been happening in the bedroom department. We've now started the 'intimate' side of our relationship, and things aren't going as smoothly as I fantasised about.

After the most amazing 3 weeks courtship, I really felt I'd found my soul mate. We connected on so many levels; spiritually, intellectually and finally I thought we were ready to connect physically.

I took Maureen back to my hotel after a particularly sweaty shoot. I'd been posing with snakes for a jewellery shoot all day, and for some reason, whether it was the scales slithering over my erogenous zones, or just the anticipation of making sweet love to my Maureen that had me so excited.

Once back at the hotel, Maureen started to do a sexy little strip for me. I sat her up on the dressing table and turned the radio on. Sadly the only station we could get was playing 'Living on a Prayer' by Bon Jovi. Not the sweetest and most touching of tunes to forever be known as 'our song'.

The moment she lifted up her dress I knew something was wrong. She loves tatoos, and the most unusual tatoo I've ever seen was revealed once her dress made it up to her breasts. I was able to take a quick photo while the dress was covering her face. I was so shocked I needed to take a photo for evidence. (attached). She has a photo of a cat from behind. The cat is looking cheekily back at the viewer, but the tatoo is positioned so the cat's anus is in the position of her belly button, taking on an almost 3D effect.

Once we started to 'get down to business' I encountered a problem I've never experienced before. My 'man parts' couldn't stand to attention! I blame thecat's bum dancing around in front of me, and that cheeky feline gazing back at me. It felt like I was on the verge of beastiality, it just felt so wrong!

I covered the problem by pulling out my most trusted of tools; my 'rabbit' vibrator. I asked her to turn around while I made sure she at least could enjoy the moment, and hopefully have a 'happy ending'. From this position I couldn't see her horrendous belly buton / cat bum tatoo, so thought it would heighten my enjoyment too!

I don't know whether it was her obviouse excitement, the humidity of the Thai evening, or the fact I'd left it charging for too long between uses, but as soon as the buzzing, shiny steel penis entered her she yelled out a giant SHRIEK not unlike the sound the cat tatooed on her belly might have made if I'd shoved the sex toy up it's bum!

I'd electrocuted her with my vibrator!! She shot across the room with an amazing force! Both of us ended up on the floor on opposite sides of the room, with large holes punched in the wall where our bodies had impacted in the plaster board!

When I recovered from the shock, I rushed over to Maureen, only to find the smell of burning pubic hair and smoke slowly rising from between her legs. Luckily she was concious, but very tender. I spent the next 4 hours soothing her vagina with various ointments and potions from the village. I can report, she's ok, but I really don't think she'll walk with her legs together for a long time. She now looks like a tiny midget John Wayne. With her cropped hair, and walk like she's just ridden a giant horse across the great plains.

I really don't know if our relationship can recover from such a shocking (pardon the pun) event!!

Please help H!!

In the meantime, let me know when you arrive! I'm dieing to give you a big bear hug!!

Your loving,

Sunday! xxx

Hector sails the seven seas on his way to see Sunday

My darling Sunday!
I am assuming i have not heard from you as i have more than likely been out of wireless range due to the fact the ship i was going to stow away in to come see you in Thailand was actually a 2 man kayak, and my fellow passenger was paddling around the world to raise money for a litle known disease called `bulimia nervosa` which is a fear of eating your own vomit. How on earth he thinks he can raise money by floating around the world in a dingy is beyond me,. Would it not be easier to like stay on dry land and go doorknocking or have a bake sale or even a garage sale. Oh well. Suffice to say he got me there on false pretenses, thinking he would smuggle me on board so i could safely travel around the world to see you. You can imagine my shock when i saw the canou, but at that point it was my only option. So i hopped in the back and paddled for what seemed like weeks. I was fairly spot on as it was weeks that we were paddling, and considering the only thing we could see was water, sky, the occasional cargo barge, 3 cruise liners, several jet skis, an inflatable bannana that people ride at the back of speed boats, A large blue whale and her calf, a school of white bottle nosed dolphins, a totally lost women who was meant to be swimming the english chanell but ended up in the Straits of Malacca, and a mermaid with fin rot, the entire journey was a total bore.

The weather as you can imagine is cold, i could have sworn i saw an iceberg, but upon closer inspection it was an iceberg lettuce. I asked my captain Kennny Hayek if he minded if we started a little fire to keep us warm. He reluctantly agreed so i pulled out my little portable heater and attatched it to the solar generator so that we could start to warm up our feet. Anyway one thing led to another and my sunglasses reflected off the sun and half the boat had caught fire. We were fortunate that we had so much water around as you can imagine, calling 911 out at sea was not possible, diue to know reception. Kenny scorned my idea and told me i hope it was now clear that we could not have our kayak and heat it too. I`m assuming he was going to diss my idea about the mini deep fry i had bought so we could have fish and chips. Instead we stuck with the lettuce.

Anyway my love i just wanted to touch base and say that i dont think we are far from Thailand, we have seen alot of fishing trawlers that are so badly built one of them was stuck together with seaweed and snot, so we must be in indonesion waters. We cant be too far from land as i know have signal on my phone and a group of people just swam past with snorkles.

Hope everything is great with Maureen. I am so looking forward to meeting her. Make sure she makes her self known, by jumping on a pogo stick or using stilts so i can confirm its her.

Amyway my love, its chow for now from Mr Hayaks Kayak

Yours, Hector

Hector loves that Sunday is in love...and he himself is off on anew adventure

My darling Sunday...

When i hadn't heard from you, knowing you were in the jungles, I must admit i really had thought you were eaten by wild amazonian Pigmy's, who would have ever thought you were actually now dating one (and probably getting eaten too...hehe) Sunday, that is wonderful news. You seem to write with a certain Je Nais sa Que (which is french for yoghurt...i think) and your words ring true of someone who is in love. I remember our chats as teenagers and how when you were horny you would say how much you would enjoy a little head, and who knew the gods would take you literally and give you just that. The gods move in mysterious ways (as does your new girlfriend i would imagine) I have the image of her hanging out your beach bag like a cute little beanie baby and the vision fills me with joy. Sunday, be wary though...Dwarf throwing is really huge at the moment and as i watched cable television through the shop window in the mall, i can see now that it has turned into quite a popular sport. 1 show i watched, i saw quite a few burly competitors with their dwarfs in bags similar to bowling bags where effectively they carry the dwarf on the side and the handles wrap around the middle (in hindsight it would actually make a really good accessory and Maureen might like the look of her body being wrapped in something made by Prada so you were able to go around with her in toe, and also have something to put your shopping in)....anyway, anyway, please done let her be exposed to this sport because basically what they do is spin the dwarf around many times, very similar to a dis-cuss and send it hurtling through the air until it lands and then its measured to see how far it goes. Very inhumane if not extremely funny.

Anyway Sunday, i have some exciting news, you know how for a very long time i thought i was 74, which was always odd as i could never figure out why you were 26 and we grew up together how on earth could i be like 50 years older than you. Well i found out that lady at the birth certificate office was what i politically correctly like to call a `nuff nuff` and she wrote my birth date with a pen that was gaffe taped to her mouth so as you can imagine the writing was ineligible so what looked like 1935 was actually 1983 a small but very vital error that has resulted in me thinking i am alot older than i really am. OK i know the fact my parents were also only 55 and 57 didn't work out either, but you know me Sunday, never really good at maths was i.


Well my travels have been wide and varied since i left the base of Mt Rushmore. As you were aware i chickened out and decided it was just too much effort. I also blame my age, see at that point i still thought i was 74 and didnt want to put myself at risk, and it wasnt until i was hitching a ride back with a van full of Nuns that i got the call to tell me about my age. Well thats my excuse and i`m sticking to it.

As i mentioned i had hitched a ride across state with a bunch of nuns who had opened a charity cheesecake business and they would travel around the US selling their cakes to raise money for the Pope to have a vasectomy reversal. The name painted on the side of the van was `what a friend we have in cheesecakes` which i thought was great way to get their message across whilst spreading their legs i mean message of hope to the hearts of Americans through the way that gets the message through immediatly `straight through the stomach` Anyway the nuns were dropping some of their cheesecakes off to a ship that in turn was going to delivery them to the starving priests of Thailand, so i thought `FUCK IT, i`m going to stowaway on the boat and come and see you` I am assuming you are still in the jungles there, so hopefully you will still be there and i will be able to see you and your new mini wheat of a girlfriend!!!

So keep your phone and pc on Sunday, as i am lying under this canvas on one of the lifeboats waiting for it to set sail....Soon oh soon my Sunday, i will be seeing you in person.

An engorged penis full of love, from me to you

Hector :)

Sunday is in Love and she wants Hector to know

Hector!! I'm so sorry about the delay in contacting you!! You must have been sick with worry about what happened to me! When I tell you what happened, you'll understand completely!!

In my last letter I hinted that I thought my love life was about to change.... Well... I was right! I met a woman who I think could be the love of my life. Her name is Maureen. She has long flowing golden hair, big, beautiful brown eyes, bee-stung lips like Angelina Jolie, long sultry eyelashes and pert, rounded breasts...... oh, and she's 1.5ft tall. Yes, Maureen is what some would refer to as 'vertically challenged', or in scientific circles, referred to as a 'Dwarf'. I didn't care that she only came up to my knee cap, I fell in love; hook, line and sinker.

I first met Maureen on the set of 'Top Model'. We were shooting a close up beauty photo with multi-million dollar jewellery and live props. Cody, the security guard from Wallace Bishop HQ had brought in cases of real Cubic Zirconia necklaces and earrings for the shoot. He'd been coming onto me all afternoon, and I'd had enough of his man-handling both me and my long, dangly... earrings.

It was just as I was preparing to step onto the set when Tyra stepped out from behind the curtain to add some spice to this challenge. She had arranged for live snakes to test our professionalism in front of the camera in stressful situations. The idea was to lie down with the snakes around our heads like a crazy, modern day 'Medusa'.

The camera's were rolling as I lay down. Tears were welling up in my eyes, as you know I'm terrified of snakes; ever since the horrific accident when we were children and a python slithered into my sleeping bag when we were on school camp. I'll never forget that feeling of waking up, feeling between my legs and thinking my man-parts were multiplying like a Gremlin splashed with water. I've still never been able to replicate the sound that escaped from my lips that frightful, frosty morning.

I was shaking like a leaf as I lay on the floor closing my eyes and clenching my teeth, waiting for the feel of the first snake I heard a voice. A shrill more than anything, asking me to 'wake the fuck up, I don't want you dribbling on my Anaconda'. This high pitched squeak/squeal came from the mouth of an angel. well, mini-angel, or cupid. With me lie-ing down and her leaning over me like that, It didn't matter how tall she was. In my eyes, she was a giant. She made me feel so safe, and at ease in the shoot, I produced my most impressive photos yet. One look into those big brown eyes, and I knew everything was going to be alright.

We've been inseparable since. I've spent the last few weeks under loves sweet spell. We go on long moonlit walks on the beach together. To be fair, she can't walk beside me like normal sized couples. God forbid if a wave came in!! It would either drown her then and there, or pick her up and take her out to sea!! She perches on my shoulder, or in the pocket of my beach bag, gently nestled under my arm.

H, I think she may be 'the one'. I'll keep you updated, but I really feel drunk with love!!

Take care H, I promise I'll write more frequently now.

Your loving Sunday. xxxxx

Hector tells Sunday about his trip to Mt Rushmore

My dearest Sunday,

I read your email enraptured at the adventures you are having in the various exotic places around the world and i am so envious of your travels, although i must say as much as this email excited me, it also saddened me. I knew at some point `Americas next top model` would have a swimwear episode and for some reason i felt from the heart of my bottom that something would go wrong.

It must have been around the same time i saw the virgin Mary's face in a tortilla i had at taco bills that i felt this psychic ability started. It wasn't long after i had devoured the virgins meaty interior (still talking about the tortilla. just in case you thought that was some sexual analogy of me chomping down on the beef curtains of some sexy virgin, which it wasn't, as a matter of fact, the mere thought of burying my face in some bearded clam makes me dry reach..and the whole concept leaves a nasty taste in my mouth...anyway,anyway...not long after i had eaten the blessed food i found that i had this sick sense. i could predict things that no other people could...i predicted the price increase of postal stamps and 3 months later, sure enough they went up!!!! I dreamt that one of the priests at the mission was actually having sex with a boy, and 2 months later..he was arrested for that very crime..perhaps the most spooky of them all is that i dreamt that `slumdog millionaire` would win Best Picture and it did!!! Call it coincidence, i call it fate..

So it was with a heavy heart that the visuals of you bouncing bareback across the jungles of Thailand on rampant elephant and your gonads bouncing around like those desk ornaments where the silver balls, hung by fishing war all knock together (I`m assuming yours were making a very similar sound) and i hope the trauma of it all has subsided. Not to mention the ant bites. As a wise prophet Bob Dylan once sang `the ants are my friends, they are blowing in the wind` in your case this song was true.

Anyway,anyway..After selling all my body hair to a pillow company, i hitch hiked my way to the foot of Mt Rushmore. It is 8pm at night and i am lying here in my tent, with my bald head sticking out of the flaps (something you as a hermaphrodite must have the same problem with) and staring up at the beautiful night sky typing this missive to you on the lost phone with the pelvic pringle pics on it. As i stare at the monolith that is Mt Rushmore and the shadows bounce off the boogers in Abe Lincolns nose it is with heartfelt conviction that i say to you `there is no farking way in the world i am going to scale that rock!!!!! Holy mother of Vishnu, have you seen the fucker!!!! Its huge. When i was told that Mt Rushmore was carved in the faces of the presidents heads i was thinking it would be to scale..as in the same size as the presidents...nuh -uh!!! Its a goddamn fucking mountain. So it would appear that the only thing i am going to scale is the rocky mountain salmon i caught with my teeth out of the babbling brook nearby. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be...

So i am going to sleep now, and dream of my lovely he/she devil in the tropics with all those other sexy gals and i will bid you adieu. As the coyotes howl i am reminded of the wild dogs of Australia that took a baby from its tent, so i am going to pull my head deep into my sleeping bag and zip myself up good and close my flaps tights (once again having typed that last sentence i have visions of you busting to do a wee?...more psychic visions perhaps??? Who knows..

My love across the miles sweet Sunday,

yours as ever... Hector

Sunday tells Hector about some of the adventures she`s having on Americas next top model

My darling 'H',

How time seems to fly between our correspondence! I always look forward to seeing your emails in my box. It's about the only thing that gets delivered to my box these days, but I have a feeling that may be about to change!

Your poor wiener!! So much action trying to find a suitable cover! Does all this fonding and moulding of attachments make you aroused? I would have to have a wank every few minutes while I was attaching a fake foreskin, or I'd explode! I always was a sensitive thing down there! :-)

I agree about Mt Rushmore. It's not made clear by the media that it is in fact a man-made attraction. I had a photo shoot there a few years back, and only then did I realise that it was carved by humans out of the stone!

In actual fact, it took so long and so many craftsman to create it that evidence of their heartache, blood, sweat, tears and toil can still be seen today. In the corner of my eye during the shoot I saw several piles of human bones with little ancient, dusty tool belts, monocles and chisels crumpled into the soil. There's no doubt date back to the late 1800's!! You could tell because there was also an old fashioned corset and bustle on one of the skeletons with a curly flowing wig and parasol. Unless it was a character from the recent TV show 'Little Britain' I'm sure it was a genteel lady of a bygone era who perished on the mountain top alongside her beloved craftsman husband who was overcome by the elements.

Things have gone from bad to worse on 'America's Next Top Model'. We had a photo shoot trial in Thailand last week. (Hence the reason for not replying to your fabulous email so soon). It had the potential to be so great, but ended up being a disaster!!!

Let me set the scene: The challenge was to look 'fierce' in the forests of northern Thailand while riding on the back of an elephant. Remembering my years as a gymnast back in high school, the fact we had no harnesses and could only hold tight with the power of our thighs around the gentle beasts neck and ears, I thought this wouldn't be as hard as some of the other girls expected.

WRONG: What I didn't know was that it was another swimwear shoot!!! WHY! I think they're doing it on purpose to make me prove a point to me..... I'm determined to win, so I got out the tape, tucked my one eyed trouser python and his 2 round friends between my legs, and slid into a particularly stunning teal blue metallic one piece with a plunging neckline that went straight down to below my belly button... ('H', It was so spectacular, really bringing out the blue of my eyes, and complimenting my golden Mexican skin beautifully! I can't wait to show you some of the shots!!)

That's not the worse of it They were also filming us reciting lines for a 'Cover girl' commercial. So I was filmed while the elephant was walking through the jungle and telling the camera about the 'nice and easy, bright and breezy beautiful Covergirl cosmetics' concentrating on saying these lines without my thick Amish, Chihuahua accent coming through so I sounded poised, AND concentrating on grasping to the elephant with my thighs and not sliding off, that I didn't realise my testicles had popped out of the side of the swimsuit breaking free of the tape. The tension in my thigh muscles must have snapped the tape!!

It still gets worse.... As we were silently walking through the Thai jungle, the elephant walked too far to the right, and through some low hanging tree branches that smacked me in the face and brushed over my with such force that it dropped the lovely surprise that was hiding in it's foliage.... A nest of giant red ants!!!! I was showered with these evil red biting insects while talking about the 'fluid matt coverage of the foundation' to the camera. The camera didn't pick up the ants, so kept filming...

And yes.... it still gets worse. While trying to compose myself after the beating in the face by trees, and not itch like a monkey with fleas while the ants were biting my red, swollen skin, the elephant decides it's time for a drink and a swim.... He plods over to the picturesque river nearby, and collapses into the water, rolls from side to side, sucks up a huge trunk of water and showers me with it! Yes, visually it was amazing, but I have to be honest, I was dieing!! I couldn't feel my leg muscles, the ant stings were starting to swell up, and my mascara was dripping down my face from the elephant shower.

All this going on, and in the corner of my eye I see a whole bus load of Japanese tourists on a small bridge crossing the stream. They're talking photo after photo with their Canon Zoom lenses of the scene, but FOCUSING IN BETWEEN MY LEGS! The angle of the elephant in relation to the bridge meant they had full view of my love apples bobbing around on the elephant like a couple of yoyos on a short string!!

I spent the next week soothing my injuries and tracking down the Japanese tourists to Phi Phi island in the south. I travelled down there in the back of a tuk-tuk (bloody thing took 2 days alone for the journey, and nearly killed me when it collided with an octopus ball cart!!) When I found them, I posed as a maid at the hotel they were staying in and made sure I took every roll of film from the cameras and bags in their rooms. I also wrote down their addresses, and will send them the rolls from their trip that didn't have my genital photos. One thing I am not, and will never be is a thief!! I only want to protect my future, not become a criminal.

Don't forget... stay safe! Reply soon, so I know you're ok and no one has murdered you in the night while you're sleeping rough!

Well my love, it's goodnight from me, and as always, I'll sign off with a high pitched Mexican Amish.. 'AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE'!!!!!.

All my love, SS xxxxxxxxx