My darling Sunday...
When i hadn't heard from you, knowing you were in the jungles, I must admit i really had thought you were eaten by wild amazonian Pigmy's, who would have ever thought you were actually now dating one (and probably getting eaten too...hehe) Sunday, that is wonderful news. You seem to write with a certain Je Nais sa Que (which is french for yoghurt...i think) and your words ring true of someone who is in love. I remember our chats as teenagers and how when you were horny you would say how much you would enjoy a little head, and who knew the gods would take you literally and give you just that. The gods move in mysterious ways (as does your new girlfriend i would imagine) I have the image of her hanging out your beach bag like a cute little beanie baby and the vision fills me with joy. Sunday, be wary though...Dwarf throwing is really huge at the moment and as i watched cable television through the shop window in the mall, i can see now that it has turned into quite a popular sport. 1 show i watched, i saw quite a few burly competitors with their dwarfs in bags similar to bowling bags where effectively they carry the dwarf on the side and the handles wrap around the middle (in hindsight it would actually make a really good accessory and Maureen might like the look of her body being wrapped in something made by Prada so you were able to go around with her in toe, and also have something to put your shopping in)....anyway, anyway, please done let her be exposed to this sport because basically what they do is spin the dwarf around many times, very similar to a dis-cuss and send it hurtling through the air until it lands and then its measured to see how far it goes. Very inhumane if not extremely funny.
Anyway Sunday, i have some exciting news, you know how for a very long time i thought i was 74, which was always odd as i could never figure out why you were 26 and we grew up together how on earth could i be like 50 years older than you. Well i found out that lady at the birth certificate office was what i politically correctly like to call a `nuff nuff` and she wrote my birth date with a pen that was gaffe taped to her mouth so as you can imagine the writing was ineligible so what looked like 1935 was actually 1983 a small but very vital error that has resulted in me thinking i am alot older than i really am. OK i know the fact my parents were also only 55 and 57 didn't work out either, but you know me Sunday, never really good at maths was i.
Well my travels have been wide and varied since i left the base of Mt Rushmore. As you were aware i chickened out and decided it was just too much effort. I also blame my age, see at that point i still thought i was 74 and didnt want to put myself at risk, and it wasnt until i was hitching a ride back with a van full of Nuns that i got the call to tell me about my age. Well thats my excuse and i`m sticking to it.
As i mentioned i had hitched a ride across state with a bunch of nuns who had opened a charity cheesecake business and they would travel around the US selling their cakes to raise money for the Pope to have a vasectomy reversal. The name painted on the side of the van was `what a friend we have in cheesecakes` which i thought was great way to get their message across whilst spreading their legs i mean message of hope to the hearts of Americans through the way that gets the message through immediatly `straight through the stomach` Anyway the nuns were dropping some of their cheesecakes off to a ship that in turn was going to delivery them to the starving priests of Thailand, so i thought `FUCK IT, i`m going to stowaway on the boat and come and see you` I am assuming you are still in the jungles there, so hopefully you will still be there and i will be able to see you and your new mini wheat of a girlfriend!!!
So keep your phone and pc on Sunday, as i am lying under this canvas on one of the lifeboats waiting for it to set sail....Soon oh soon my Sunday, i will be seeing you in person.
An engorged penis full of love, from me to you
Hector :)
Monday, 30 March 2009
Thursday, 26 March 2009
Sunday is in Love and she wants Hector to know
Hector!! I'm so sorry about the delay in contacting you!! You must have been sick with worry about what happened to me! When I tell you what happened, you'll understand completely!!
In my last letter I hinted that I thought my love life was about to change.... Well... I was right! I met a woman who I think could be the love of my life. Her name is Maureen. She has long flowing golden hair, big, beautiful brown eyes, bee-stung lips like Angelina Jolie, long sultry eyelashes and pert, rounded breasts...... oh, and she's 1.5ft tall. Yes, Maureen is what some would refer to as 'vertically challenged', or in scientific circles, referred to as a 'Dwarf'. I didn't care that she only came up to my knee cap, I fell in love; hook, line and sinker.
I first met Maureen on the set of 'Top Model'. We were shooting a close up beauty photo with multi-million dollar jewellery and live props. Cody, the security guard from Wallace Bishop HQ had brought in cases of real Cubic Zirconia necklaces and earrings for the shoot. He'd been coming onto me all afternoon, and I'd had enough of his man-handling both me and my long, dangly... earrings.
It was just as I was preparing to step onto the set when Tyra stepped out from behind the curtain to add some spice to this challenge. She had arranged for live snakes to test our professionalism in front of the camera in stressful situations. The idea was to lie down with the snakes around our heads like a crazy, modern day 'Medusa'.
The camera's were rolling as I lay down. Tears were welling up in my eyes, as you know I'm terrified of snakes; ever since the horrific accident when we were children and a python slithered into my sleeping bag when we were on school camp. I'll never forget that feeling of waking up, feeling between my legs and thinking my man-parts were multiplying like a Gremlin splashed with water. I've still never been able to replicate the sound that escaped from my lips that frightful, frosty morning.
I was shaking like a leaf as I lay on the floor closing my eyes and clenching my teeth, waiting for the feel of the first snake I heard a voice. A shrill more than anything, asking me to 'wake the fuck up, I don't want you dribbling on my Anaconda'. This high pitched squeak/squeal came from the mouth of an angel. well, mini-angel, or cupid. With me lie-ing down and her leaning over me like that, It didn't matter how tall she was. In my eyes, she was a giant. She made me feel so safe, and at ease in the shoot, I produced my most impressive photos yet. One look into those big brown eyes, and I knew everything was going to be alright.
We've been inseparable since. I've spent the last few weeks under loves sweet spell. We go on long moonlit walks on the beach together. To be fair, she can't walk beside me like normal sized couples. God forbid if a wave came in!! It would either drown her then and there, or pick her up and take her out to sea!! She perches on my shoulder, or in the pocket of my beach bag, gently nestled under my arm.
H, I think she may be 'the one'. I'll keep you updated, but I really feel drunk with love!!
Take care H, I promise I'll write more frequently now.
Your loving Sunday. xxxxx
In my last letter I hinted that I thought my love life was about to change.... Well... I was right! I met a woman who I think could be the love of my life. Her name is Maureen. She has long flowing golden hair, big, beautiful brown eyes, bee-stung lips like Angelina Jolie, long sultry eyelashes and pert, rounded breasts...... oh, and she's 1.5ft tall. Yes, Maureen is what some would refer to as 'vertically challenged', or in scientific circles, referred to as a 'Dwarf'. I didn't care that she only came up to my knee cap, I fell in love; hook, line and sinker.
I first met Maureen on the set of 'Top Model'. We were shooting a close up beauty photo with multi-million dollar jewellery and live props. Cody, the security guard from Wallace Bishop HQ had brought in cases of real Cubic Zirconia necklaces and earrings for the shoot. He'd been coming onto me all afternoon, and I'd had enough of his man-handling both me and my long, dangly... earrings.
It was just as I was preparing to step onto the set when Tyra stepped out from behind the curtain to add some spice to this challenge. She had arranged for live snakes to test our professionalism in front of the camera in stressful situations. The idea was to lie down with the snakes around our heads like a crazy, modern day 'Medusa'.
The camera's were rolling as I lay down. Tears were welling up in my eyes, as you know I'm terrified of snakes; ever since the horrific accident when we were children and a python slithered into my sleeping bag when we were on school camp. I'll never forget that feeling of waking up, feeling between my legs and thinking my man-parts were multiplying like a Gremlin splashed with water. I've still never been able to replicate the sound that escaped from my lips that frightful, frosty morning.
I was shaking like a leaf as I lay on the floor closing my eyes and clenching my teeth, waiting for the feel of the first snake I heard a voice. A shrill more than anything, asking me to 'wake the fuck up, I don't want you dribbling on my Anaconda'. This high pitched squeak/squeal came from the mouth of an angel. well, mini-angel, or cupid. With me lie-ing down and her leaning over me like that, It didn't matter how tall she was. In my eyes, she was a giant. She made me feel so safe, and at ease in the shoot, I produced my most impressive photos yet. One look into those big brown eyes, and I knew everything was going to be alright.
We've been inseparable since. I've spent the last few weeks under loves sweet spell. We go on long moonlit walks on the beach together. To be fair, she can't walk beside me like normal sized couples. God forbid if a wave came in!! It would either drown her then and there, or pick her up and take her out to sea!! She perches on my shoulder, or in the pocket of my beach bag, gently nestled under my arm.
H, I think she may be 'the one'. I'll keep you updated, but I really feel drunk with love!!
Take care H, I promise I'll write more frequently now.
Your loving Sunday. xxxxx
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Hector tells Sunday about his trip to Mt Rushmore
My dearest Sunday,
I read your email enraptured at the adventures you are having in the various exotic places around the world and i am so envious of your travels, although i must say as much as this email excited me, it also saddened me. I knew at some point `Americas next top model` would have a swimwear episode and for some reason i felt from the heart of my bottom that something would go wrong.
It must have been around the same time i saw the virgin Mary's face in a tortilla i had at taco bills that i felt this psychic ability started. It wasn't long after i had devoured the virgins meaty interior (still talking about the tortilla. just in case you thought that was some sexual analogy of me chomping down on the beef curtains of some sexy virgin, which it wasn't, as a matter of fact, the mere thought of burying my face in some bearded clam makes me dry reach..and the whole concept leaves a nasty taste in my mouth...anyway,anyway...not long after i had eaten the blessed food i found that i had this sick sense. i could predict things that no other people could...i predicted the price increase of postal stamps and 3 months later, sure enough they went up!!!! I dreamt that one of the priests at the mission was actually having sex with a boy, and 2 months later..he was arrested for that very crime..perhaps the most spooky of them all is that i dreamt that `slumdog millionaire` would win Best Picture and it did!!! Call it coincidence, i call it fate..
So it was with a heavy heart that the visuals of you bouncing bareback across the jungles of Thailand on rampant elephant and your gonads bouncing around like those desk ornaments where the silver balls, hung by fishing war all knock together (I`m assuming yours were making a very similar sound) and i hope the trauma of it all has subsided. Not to mention the ant bites. As a wise prophet Bob Dylan once sang `the ants are my friends, they are blowing in the wind` in your case this song was true.
Anyway,anyway..After selling all my body hair to a pillow company, i hitch hiked my way to the foot of Mt Rushmore. It is 8pm at night and i am lying here in my tent, with my bald head sticking out of the flaps (something you as a hermaphrodite must have the same problem with) and staring up at the beautiful night sky typing this missive to you on the lost phone with the pelvic pringle pics on it. As i stare at the monolith that is Mt Rushmore and the shadows bounce off the boogers in Abe Lincolns nose it is with heartfelt conviction that i say to you `there is no farking way in the world i am going to scale that rock!!!!! Holy mother of Vishnu, have you seen the fucker!!!! Its huge. When i was told that Mt Rushmore was carved in the faces of the presidents heads i was thinking it would be to scale..as in the same size as the presidents...nuh -uh!!! Its a goddamn fucking mountain. So it would appear that the only thing i am going to scale is the rocky mountain salmon i caught with my teeth out of the babbling brook nearby. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be...
So i am going to sleep now, and dream of my lovely he/she devil in the tropics with all those other sexy gals and i will bid you adieu. As the coyotes howl i am reminded of the wild dogs of Australia that took a baby from its tent, so i am going to pull my head deep into my sleeping bag and zip myself up good and close my flaps tights (once again having typed that last sentence i have visions of you busting to do a wee?...more psychic visions perhaps??? Who knows..
My love across the miles sweet Sunday,
yours as ever... Hector
I read your email enraptured at the adventures you are having in the various exotic places around the world and i am so envious of your travels, although i must say as much as this email excited me, it also saddened me. I knew at some point `Americas next top model` would have a swimwear episode and for some reason i felt from the heart of my bottom that something would go wrong.
It must have been around the same time i saw the virgin Mary's face in a tortilla i had at taco bills that i felt this psychic ability started. It wasn't long after i had devoured the virgins meaty interior (still talking about the tortilla. just in case you thought that was some sexual analogy of me chomping down on the beef curtains of some sexy virgin, which it wasn't, as a matter of fact, the mere thought of burying my face in some bearded clam makes me dry reach..and the whole concept leaves a nasty taste in my mouth...anyway,anyway...not long after i had eaten the blessed food i found that i had this sick sense. i could predict things that no other people could...i predicted the price increase of postal stamps and 3 months later, sure enough they went up!!!! I dreamt that one of the priests at the mission was actually having sex with a boy, and 2 months later..he was arrested for that very crime..perhaps the most spooky of them all is that i dreamt that `slumdog millionaire` would win Best Picture and it did!!! Call it coincidence, i call it fate..
So it was with a heavy heart that the visuals of you bouncing bareback across the jungles of Thailand on rampant elephant and your gonads bouncing around like those desk ornaments where the silver balls, hung by fishing war all knock together (I`m assuming yours were making a very similar sound) and i hope the trauma of it all has subsided. Not to mention the ant bites. As a wise prophet Bob Dylan once sang `the ants are my friends, they are blowing in the wind` in your case this song was true.
Anyway,anyway..After selling all my body hair to a pillow company, i hitch hiked my way to the foot of Mt Rushmore. It is 8pm at night and i am lying here in my tent, with my bald head sticking out of the flaps (something you as a hermaphrodite must have the same problem with) and staring up at the beautiful night sky typing this missive to you on the lost phone with the pelvic pringle pics on it. As i stare at the monolith that is Mt Rushmore and the shadows bounce off the boogers in Abe Lincolns nose it is with heartfelt conviction that i say to you `there is no farking way in the world i am going to scale that rock!!!!! Holy mother of Vishnu, have you seen the fucker!!!! Its huge. When i was told that Mt Rushmore was carved in the faces of the presidents heads i was thinking it would be to scale..as in the same size as the presidents...nuh -uh!!! Its a goddamn fucking mountain. So it would appear that the only thing i am going to scale is the rocky mountain salmon i caught with my teeth out of the babbling brook nearby. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be...
So i am going to sleep now, and dream of my lovely he/she devil in the tropics with all those other sexy gals and i will bid you adieu. As the coyotes howl i am reminded of the wild dogs of Australia that took a baby from its tent, so i am going to pull my head deep into my sleeping bag and zip myself up good and close my flaps tights (once again having typed that last sentence i have visions of you busting to do a wee?...more psychic visions perhaps??? Who knows..
My love across the miles sweet Sunday,
yours as ever... Hector
Sunday tells Hector about some of the adventures she`s having on Americas next top model
My darling 'H',
How time seems to fly between our correspondence! I always look forward to seeing your emails in my box. It's about the only thing that gets delivered to my box these days, but I have a feeling that may be about to change!
Your poor wiener!! So much action trying to find a suitable cover! Does all this fonding and moulding of attachments make you aroused? I would have to have a wank every few minutes while I was attaching a fake foreskin, or I'd explode! I always was a sensitive thing down there! :-)
I agree about Mt Rushmore. It's not made clear by the media that it is in fact a man-made attraction. I had a photo shoot there a few years back, and only then did I realise that it was carved by humans out of the stone!
In actual fact, it took so long and so many craftsman to create it that evidence of their heartache, blood, sweat, tears and toil can still be seen today. In the corner of my eye during the shoot I saw several piles of human bones with little ancient, dusty tool belts, monocles and chisels crumpled into the soil. There's no doubt date back to the late 1800's!! You could tell because there was also an old fashioned corset and bustle on one of the skeletons with a curly flowing wig and parasol. Unless it was a character from the recent TV show 'Little Britain' I'm sure it was a genteel lady of a bygone era who perished on the mountain top alongside her beloved craftsman husband who was overcome by the elements.
Things have gone from bad to worse on 'America's Next Top Model'. We had a photo shoot trial in Thailand last week. (Hence the reason for not replying to your fabulous email so soon). It had the potential to be so great, but ended up being a disaster!!!
Let me set the scene: The challenge was to look 'fierce' in the forests of northern Thailand while riding on the back of an elephant. Remembering my years as a gymnast back in high school, the fact we had no harnesses and could only hold tight with the power of our thighs around the gentle beasts neck and ears, I thought this wouldn't be as hard as some of the other girls expected.
WRONG: What I didn't know was that it was another swimwear shoot!!! WHY! I think they're doing it on purpose to make me prove a point to me..... I'm determined to win, so I got out the tape, tucked my one eyed trouser python and his 2 round friends between my legs, and slid into a particularly stunning teal blue metallic one piece with a plunging neckline that went straight down to below my belly button... ('H', It was so spectacular, really bringing out the blue of my eyes, and complimenting my golden Mexican skin beautifully! I can't wait to show you some of the shots!!)
That's not the worse of it They were also filming us reciting lines for a 'Cover girl' commercial. So I was filmed while the elephant was walking through the jungle and telling the camera about the 'nice and easy, bright and breezy beautiful Covergirl cosmetics' concentrating on saying these lines without my thick Amish, Chihuahua accent coming through so I sounded poised, AND concentrating on grasping to the elephant with my thighs and not sliding off, that I didn't realise my testicles had popped out of the side of the swimsuit breaking free of the tape. The tension in my thigh muscles must have snapped the tape!!
It still gets worse.... As we were silently walking through the Thai jungle, the elephant walked too far to the right, and through some low hanging tree branches that smacked me in the face and brushed over my with such force that it dropped the lovely surprise that was hiding in it's foliage.... A nest of giant red ants!!!! I was showered with these evil red biting insects while talking about the 'fluid matt coverage of the foundation' to the camera. The camera didn't pick up the ants, so kept filming...
And yes.... it still gets worse. While trying to compose myself after the beating in the face by trees, and not itch like a monkey with fleas while the ants were biting my red, swollen skin, the elephant decides it's time for a drink and a swim.... He plods over to the picturesque river nearby, and collapses into the water, rolls from side to side, sucks up a huge trunk of water and showers me with it! Yes, visually it was amazing, but I have to be honest, I was dieing!! I couldn't feel my leg muscles, the ant stings were starting to swell up, and my mascara was dripping down my face from the elephant shower.
All this going on, and in the corner of my eye I see a whole bus load of Japanese tourists on a small bridge crossing the stream. They're talking photo after photo with their Canon Zoom lenses of the scene, but FOCUSING IN BETWEEN MY LEGS! The angle of the elephant in relation to the bridge meant they had full view of my love apples bobbing around on the elephant like a couple of yoyos on a short string!!
I spent the next week soothing my injuries and tracking down the Japanese tourists to Phi Phi island in the south. I travelled down there in the back of a tuk-tuk (bloody thing took 2 days alone for the journey, and nearly killed me when it collided with an octopus ball cart!!) When I found them, I posed as a maid at the hotel they were staying in and made sure I took every roll of film from the cameras and bags in their rooms. I also wrote down their addresses, and will send them the rolls from their trip that didn't have my genital photos. One thing I am not, and will never be is a thief!! I only want to protect my future, not become a criminal.
Don't forget... stay safe! Reply soon, so I know you're ok and no one has murdered you in the night while you're sleeping rough!
Well my love, it's goodnight from me, and as always, I'll sign off with a high pitched Mexican Amish.. 'AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE'!!!!!.
All my love, SS xxxxxxxxx
How time seems to fly between our correspondence! I always look forward to seeing your emails in my box. It's about the only thing that gets delivered to my box these days, but I have a feeling that may be about to change!
Your poor wiener!! So much action trying to find a suitable cover! Does all this fonding and moulding of attachments make you aroused? I would have to have a wank every few minutes while I was attaching a fake foreskin, or I'd explode! I always was a sensitive thing down there! :-)
I agree about Mt Rushmore. It's not made clear by the media that it is in fact a man-made attraction. I had a photo shoot there a few years back, and only then did I realise that it was carved by humans out of the stone!
In actual fact, it took so long and so many craftsman to create it that evidence of their heartache, blood, sweat, tears and toil can still be seen today. In the corner of my eye during the shoot I saw several piles of human bones with little ancient, dusty tool belts, monocles and chisels crumpled into the soil. There's no doubt date back to the late 1800's!! You could tell because there was also an old fashioned corset and bustle on one of the skeletons with a curly flowing wig and parasol. Unless it was a character from the recent TV show 'Little Britain' I'm sure it was a genteel lady of a bygone era who perished on the mountain top alongside her beloved craftsman husband who was overcome by the elements.
Things have gone from bad to worse on 'America's Next Top Model'. We had a photo shoot trial in Thailand last week. (Hence the reason for not replying to your fabulous email so soon). It had the potential to be so great, but ended up being a disaster!!!
Let me set the scene: The challenge was to look 'fierce' in the forests of northern Thailand while riding on the back of an elephant. Remembering my years as a gymnast back in high school, the fact we had no harnesses and could only hold tight with the power of our thighs around the gentle beasts neck and ears, I thought this wouldn't be as hard as some of the other girls expected.
WRONG: What I didn't know was that it was another swimwear shoot!!! WHY! I think they're doing it on purpose to make me prove a point to me..... I'm determined to win, so I got out the tape, tucked my one eyed trouser python and his 2 round friends between my legs, and slid into a particularly stunning teal blue metallic one piece with a plunging neckline that went straight down to below my belly button... ('H', It was so spectacular, really bringing out the blue of my eyes, and complimenting my golden Mexican skin beautifully! I can't wait to show you some of the shots!!)
That's not the worse of it They were also filming us reciting lines for a 'Cover girl' commercial. So I was filmed while the elephant was walking through the jungle and telling the camera about the 'nice and easy, bright and breezy beautiful Covergirl cosmetics' concentrating on saying these lines without my thick Amish, Chihuahua accent coming through so I sounded poised, AND concentrating on grasping to the elephant with my thighs and not sliding off, that I didn't realise my testicles had popped out of the side of the swimsuit breaking free of the tape. The tension in my thigh muscles must have snapped the tape!!
It still gets worse.... As we were silently walking through the Thai jungle, the elephant walked too far to the right, and through some low hanging tree branches that smacked me in the face and brushed over my with such force that it dropped the lovely surprise that was hiding in it's foliage.... A nest of giant red ants!!!! I was showered with these evil red biting insects while talking about the 'fluid matt coverage of the foundation' to the camera. The camera didn't pick up the ants, so kept filming...
And yes.... it still gets worse. While trying to compose myself after the beating in the face by trees, and not itch like a monkey with fleas while the ants were biting my red, swollen skin, the elephant decides it's time for a drink and a swim.... He plods over to the picturesque river nearby, and collapses into the water, rolls from side to side, sucks up a huge trunk of water and showers me with it! Yes, visually it was amazing, but I have to be honest, I was dieing!! I couldn't feel my leg muscles, the ant stings were starting to swell up, and my mascara was dripping down my face from the elephant shower.
All this going on, and in the corner of my eye I see a whole bus load of Japanese tourists on a small bridge crossing the stream. They're talking photo after photo with their Canon Zoom lenses of the scene, but FOCUSING IN BETWEEN MY LEGS! The angle of the elephant in relation to the bridge meant they had full view of my love apples bobbing around on the elephant like a couple of yoyos on a short string!!
I spent the next week soothing my injuries and tracking down the Japanese tourists to Phi Phi island in the south. I travelled down there in the back of a tuk-tuk (bloody thing took 2 days alone for the journey, and nearly killed me when it collided with an octopus ball cart!!) When I found them, I posed as a maid at the hotel they were staying in and made sure I took every roll of film from the cameras and bags in their rooms. I also wrote down their addresses, and will send them the rolls from their trip that didn't have my genital photos. One thing I am not, and will never be is a thief!! I only want to protect my future, not become a criminal.
Don't forget... stay safe! Reply soon, so I know you're ok and no one has murdered you in the night while you're sleeping rough!
Well my love, it's goodnight from me, and as always, I'll sign off with a high pitched Mexican Amish.. 'AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE'!!!!!.
All my love, SS xxxxxxxxx
Email 2 - Hector responds to Sunday and reveals some truths
My dearest dirty Sanchez,
I was so excited to read your email. I have a sense of doom every time i check my phone as the only thing i receive is messages of disgust and horror from the friends of the previous owner of the phone who all received those candid pics of what i now call the `pelvic pringle pics`.
I had completely forgotten about the soft drink/chocolate mousse incident..its worth pointing out it wasn't Passiona it was actually creamy soda. A small but important detail. May i also remind you it wasn't me that `fanny farted` in class that blew a bubble so big that for a second the class thought that Glynda the good witch from Wizard of Oz was arriving. Lets say we are even.
Anyway,anyway i am so sorry to hear that you will never have the experience of passing a child through your vagine/penis/scrotum/ovary or whatever else you have down there. In the words of a wise old prophet Doris Day `Kay Saraar Saraar` which is an aboriginal expression meaning `stupid bloody keffer gin who cant have spawn` Its not a nice expression but in your case appropriate. But i am sure there are alot of options for you. Why don't you do what Madonna did and go adopt a world vision child from the jungles of Didjabringyagrogalong? Or you could always do what that girl in the U.S did, where she befriended a pregnant lady whilst also pretending she was pregnant herself and then when she`s not looking you could cut the baby out of her stomach and claim it as your own or you could dress up as a dingo and steal a baby. That worked for the last person who tried it. Both extreme examples i must admit.
Anyway, anyway. Some more news in relation to my foreskin.I was going through my box of stuff and i found some silly putty i had as a child. The only thing is..do you remember how you used to press it on newspaper and the print would come off onto the putty? Well lets just say it was still on there and now my knob has the headline `man stuck in fridge eats own foot` on it. Lets just say i aborted that idea fairly quickly now i am just looking for someone to polish it clean. I will endeavour to find something that will give my trouser snake the warm hooded sleeping bag it deserves.
So tell me `the next top model` seems to be heating up. You must keep me posted of all the goss. Although i am concerned if they do a swim suit show, what may i ask do you do with your she cock? I didn't realise that holding your breath underwater for 10 minutes was now a deciding factor. I have everything crossed for you.
The homeless mission i am staying at says i must now move on, so i have decided to head towards Yosemite National Park and go and scale Mount Rushmore (a childhood dream) although i was shocked to find out that Mt Rushmore was wasn't caused by erosion. I always thought the odds were low of natures elements actually forming the presidents heads into the stone in the country that they ruled was pretty dam fluky, but hey who am i to argue.
Anyway my little dirty sanchez, i love you more that Cum shots!
Yours in friendship....Hector Horatio Hobgoblinson
I was so excited to read your email. I have a sense of doom every time i check my phone as the only thing i receive is messages of disgust and horror from the friends of the previous owner of the phone who all received those candid pics of what i now call the `pelvic pringle pics`.
I had completely forgotten about the soft drink/chocolate mousse incident..its worth pointing out it wasn't Passiona it was actually creamy soda. A small but important detail. May i also remind you it wasn't me that `fanny farted` in class that blew a bubble so big that for a second the class thought that Glynda the good witch from Wizard of Oz was arriving. Lets say we are even.
Anyway,anyway i am so sorry to hear that you will never have the experience of passing a child through your vagine/penis/scrotum/ovary or whatever else you have down there. In the words of a wise old prophet Doris Day `Kay Saraar Saraar` which is an aboriginal expression meaning `stupid bloody keffer gin who cant have spawn` Its not a nice expression but in your case appropriate. But i am sure there are alot of options for you. Why don't you do what Madonna did and go adopt a world vision child from the jungles of Didjabringyagrogalong? Or you could always do what that girl in the U.S did, where she befriended a pregnant lady whilst also pretending she was pregnant herself and then when she`s not looking you could cut the baby out of her stomach and claim it as your own or you could dress up as a dingo and steal a baby. That worked for the last person who tried it. Both extreme examples i must admit.
Anyway, anyway. Some more news in relation to my foreskin.I was going through my box of stuff and i found some silly putty i had as a child. The only thing is..do you remember how you used to press it on newspaper and the print would come off onto the putty? Well lets just say it was still on there and now my knob has the headline `man stuck in fridge eats own foot` on it. Lets just say i aborted that idea fairly quickly now i am just looking for someone to polish it clean. I will endeavour to find something that will give my trouser snake the warm hooded sleeping bag it deserves.
So tell me `the next top model` seems to be heating up. You must keep me posted of all the goss. Although i am concerned if they do a swim suit show, what may i ask do you do with your she cock? I didn't realise that holding your breath underwater for 10 minutes was now a deciding factor. I have everything crossed for you.
The homeless mission i am staying at says i must now move on, so i have decided to head towards Yosemite National Park and go and scale Mount Rushmore (a childhood dream) although i was shocked to find out that Mt Rushmore was wasn't caused by erosion. I always thought the odds were low of natures elements actually forming the presidents heads into the stone in the country that they ruled was pretty dam fluky, but hey who am i to argue.
Anyway my little dirty sanchez, i love you more that Cum shots!
Yours in friendship....Hector Horatio Hobgoblinson
Sunday`s first email to Hector
Dear 'H',
As always, it's such a treat to hear from you. You know I really worry about you traveling the world all by yourself. Not knowing where you're going to end up may sound romantic, but you know I do worry, and can't sleep soundly unless I know that you're safe. I can't help it... It's the maternal instinct in me kicking into action. :-)
Speaking of which, I can't believe you saw me in the pharmacy buying the test last month. I'm glad you didn't come up to me and ask at the time. It was a very harrowing time for me which resulted in a lot of sadness.
As you know I come from such a big family. (Thanks to our deep seeded religious beliefs and lack of contraception!) Helping to raise my 25 younger siblings made me realise at a young age that I would love to have children of my own one day. Even with my disability, I always hoped that someone would see past the freak show, see the real me, want to share my life and start a family one day. I see why you thought I might be able to help myself out in that department. It's a common misconception. :-)
I have all female reproductive organs (uterus, vagina, ovaries etc) in addition to this I also have a penis and scrotum (as you've seen!) but sadly my testicles don't produce sperm. After years of ejaculating puffs of smelly air instead of creamy love juice, this lack of fertility didn't come as a surprise to me. The only thing I could've impregnated would be Casper the friendly ghost!! :-)
The sad ending to this story is that I knew I couldn't impregnate myself, but in my heart I thought I could be a mother. I had hired a very understanding and sympathetic Gigolo names 'Deuce Bigalow' while on an America's Next Top Model shoot in Budapest a few months ago. In a hope to get pregnant, I asked him to ride my pussy bareback, taking me from behind while I pulled myself off from the front.
Not long after, my periods stopped and I prayed to god that all my dreams of becoming a mother had come true. The test from the chemist was negative, but I went to the Doctor just to be sure. After several very intrusive and humiliating tests, the results came back. I was told that due to the high levels of testosterone in my system, I would never be able to reproduce. My penis is shooting fart gas, but at least I can see and smell the abnormal function. Instead of an egg from my ovaries I produce a dusty little particle during ovulation, a bit like a hundreds and thousands ball, and about as fertile as one too.
I'm as baron as the Sahara... I'll never have my own 'mini-me' to love me unconditionally.
Enough about me... What about you? It's a good thing you ate the luncheon meat foreskin, if you hadn't, a rodent or vagrant would've found it and had a tasty snack. Better you who takes care not to cause any more damage than someone so hungry they'd maybe eat the rest of your willy as well and turn you into a Eunuch!!
Have you tried 'fuzzy felt'? You know the toy you used to be able to create pictures and scenes from in the 70's? Maybe a small felt cut out of 'Jesus in the manger' would do the trick. Should be about the right shape and colour too!
What a weird find on your phone!! Not only the horrible photos, but also that she was so proud she wanted to share it with family members!! Well, well... She thinks she's flexible and can take a wide load. I bet she doesn't know she's up against you!
We all remember our days in College when you managed to fit an entire family sized, plastic 3 litre bottle of Passiona up your ass! It's a shame we thought about the entry, but not the exit and had to rush you to hospital after we couldn't get it out again!! Next time, maybe if we empty it first we can get more grip to pull it back out.
At last now we can laugh about it! I loved how you explained the brown 'dirty protest' all over your dorm room walls and made excuses to Howell your room mate!! He had no idea what we were up to!! Home Economics assignment my ass!! (pardon the pun!!) Thank god he never tasted the mess after we told him we'd left the chocolate mousse mixture on the stove for too long and it had exploded! If he did taste it, at least that would help explain why you failed that course! hahahahaha! Oh well..
Anyway 'H' my love, I'll say farewell once again. We have eliminations with Tyra on America's Next Top Model, so I'd better get some rest and look fresh. I think I'll be ok this week. I won the posing challenge and had pretty good comments from the photographers about my pictures taken underwater. Luckily I can hold my breathe for 10 minutes! I nailed this week I'm sure!! :-)
Be safe, and don't forget to write soon to let me know you're ok!
All my love, your one and only, Sunday Sanchez... Mmmwwwwaaahhhh!! xxxxxxxxx
As always, it's such a treat to hear from you. You know I really worry about you traveling the world all by yourself. Not knowing where you're going to end up may sound romantic, but you know I do worry, and can't sleep soundly unless I know that you're safe. I can't help it... It's the maternal instinct in me kicking into action. :-)
Speaking of which, I can't believe you saw me in the pharmacy buying the test last month. I'm glad you didn't come up to me and ask at the time. It was a very harrowing time for me which resulted in a lot of sadness.
As you know I come from such a big family. (Thanks to our deep seeded religious beliefs and lack of contraception!) Helping to raise my 25 younger siblings made me realise at a young age that I would love to have children of my own one day. Even with my disability, I always hoped that someone would see past the freak show, see the real me, want to share my life and start a family one day. I see why you thought I might be able to help myself out in that department. It's a common misconception. :-)
I have all female reproductive organs (uterus, vagina, ovaries etc) in addition to this I also have a penis and scrotum (as you've seen!) but sadly my testicles don't produce sperm. After years of ejaculating puffs of smelly air instead of creamy love juice, this lack of fertility didn't come as a surprise to me. The only thing I could've impregnated would be Casper the friendly ghost!! :-)
The sad ending to this story is that I knew I couldn't impregnate myself, but in my heart I thought I could be a mother. I had hired a very understanding and sympathetic Gigolo names 'Deuce Bigalow' while on an America's Next Top Model shoot in Budapest a few months ago. In a hope to get pregnant, I asked him to ride my pussy bareback, taking me from behind while I pulled myself off from the front.
Not long after, my periods stopped and I prayed to god that all my dreams of becoming a mother had come true. The test from the chemist was negative, but I went to the Doctor just to be sure. After several very intrusive and humiliating tests, the results came back. I was told that due to the high levels of testosterone in my system, I would never be able to reproduce. My penis is shooting fart gas, but at least I can see and smell the abnormal function. Instead of an egg from my ovaries I produce a dusty little particle during ovulation, a bit like a hundreds and thousands ball, and about as fertile as one too.
I'm as baron as the Sahara... I'll never have my own 'mini-me' to love me unconditionally.
Enough about me... What about you? It's a good thing you ate the luncheon meat foreskin, if you hadn't, a rodent or vagrant would've found it and had a tasty snack. Better you who takes care not to cause any more damage than someone so hungry they'd maybe eat the rest of your willy as well and turn you into a Eunuch!!
Have you tried 'fuzzy felt'? You know the toy you used to be able to create pictures and scenes from in the 70's? Maybe a small felt cut out of 'Jesus in the manger' would do the trick. Should be about the right shape and colour too!
What a weird find on your phone!! Not only the horrible photos, but also that she was so proud she wanted to share it with family members!! Well, well... She thinks she's flexible and can take a wide load. I bet she doesn't know she's up against you!
We all remember our days in College when you managed to fit an entire family sized, plastic 3 litre bottle of Passiona up your ass! It's a shame we thought about the entry, but not the exit and had to rush you to hospital after we couldn't get it out again!! Next time, maybe if we empty it first we can get more grip to pull it back out.
At last now we can laugh about it! I loved how you explained the brown 'dirty protest' all over your dorm room walls and made excuses to Howell your room mate!! He had no idea what we were up to!! Home Economics assignment my ass!! (pardon the pun!!) Thank god he never tasted the mess after we told him we'd left the chocolate mousse mixture on the stove for too long and it had exploded! If he did taste it, at least that would help explain why you failed that course! hahahahaha! Oh well..
Anyway 'H' my love, I'll say farewell once again. We have eliminations with Tyra on America's Next Top Model, so I'd better get some rest and look fresh. I think I'll be ok this week. I won the posing challenge and had pretty good comments from the photographers about my pictures taken underwater. Luckily I can hold my breathe for 10 minutes! I nailed this week I'm sure!! :-)
Be safe, and don't forget to write soon to let me know you're ok!
All my love, your one and only, Sunday Sanchez... Mmmwwwwaaahhhh!! xxxxxxxxx
The first letter from Hector to Sanchez
Dear Sunday,
How are you today on this fine Sunday? I am laying here in my top bunk bed typing this email on that phone i had found when hitching through Chicago. Its not a bad phone, has all the gadgets, Internet, camera etc, although having said that, it would appear that the previous owner of the phone certainly likes to take photos, crude ones of her with Pringles cans being shoved into her vajayjay (editors note - this really happened where Jess found a phone with dirty pics on it and proceeded to forward it to all the girls friends),
I have to laugh cause it would also appear that she accidentally sent them to a heap of people on her phone, as a day doesn't go past where i don't receive some horrid text from someone who has been unfortunate to see it. Uncle Mooty seemed particularly unimpressed.
So how is my favourite Lesbian with the teeny weeny today? I cant believe i have actually become friends with a hermaphrodite. It was only a couple of months ago i had passed through your home town of Chihuahua, and wondered if there was anyone freaky there that could rock my boat. Its a little out of the way for me, but i have to take go where the wind takes me (also the person driving the car) so it was with great delight when i saw you in the chemist buying that home pregnancy kit..so can you tell me the results? Who is the father? I would imagine if i was in your shoes that i would come in from a night of heavy drinking and feel a bit horny and accidentally knock myself up. Is that even possible? What if you have a wank and there is some leakage that dribbles down and manages to find its way into your beef curtains? You would have to be careful i would think. Being a lesbian, i am assuming you have not had relations with a man, so its only safe to assume that you are now the proud mother/father of your own child. Please confirm if this is the case. I would love to be apart of `its` life. Being shunned from the entire Amish community must have left you very lonely and i would love to be apart of your life. So how in fact did you end up in the town of Chihuahua anyway, did you get the wanders like me, or is that how far you had to travel to avoid the wrath of the angry Amish clan? If you don't mind me saying its time to sever the ties with that horrid cult and as a very attractive hermaphrodite with the loveliest of norgs, the long scraggly facial hair and mutton chop side burns do not help your femininity. I only say this as your new friend.
Well as we discussed as you were shopping at Aphrodite's Hermaphrodite Hut, i am still having problems with my foreskin. My mom always said that the reason the foreskin was there was to protect my knob, and the reason my knob was there was to stop my hand flying off the end. So it was with great sadness that i lost my foreskin and my constant search to replace it continues. Yesterday, i tried luncheon meat, but found that after a while all it managed to do was make me hungry. The toothpick holding it on was also a deterrent from me wanting to keep it their any longer. So i shall keep looking for the elusive home made prosthetic that will make my purple headed womb ferret complete once more.
Well my lovely Sunday, i have prattled on long enough, i shall go for now. I like to drift off to sleep while looking at the pictures of the girl inserting the pringle can on this phone, and as you would know, i need 1 hand free to make the `bald man spew`
My love to you, and i look forward in hearing from you soon..
your homeless pal, Hector Horatio Hobgoblinson
How are you today on this fine Sunday? I am laying here in my top bunk bed typing this email on that phone i had found when hitching through Chicago. Its not a bad phone, has all the gadgets, Internet, camera etc, although having said that, it would appear that the previous owner of the phone certainly likes to take photos, crude ones of her with Pringles cans being shoved into her vajayjay (editors note - this really happened where Jess found a phone with dirty pics on it and proceeded to forward it to all the girls friends),
I have to laugh cause it would also appear that she accidentally sent them to a heap of people on her phone, as a day doesn't go past where i don't receive some horrid text from someone who has been unfortunate to see it. Uncle Mooty seemed particularly unimpressed.
So how is my favourite Lesbian with the teeny weeny today? I cant believe i have actually become friends with a hermaphrodite. It was only a couple of months ago i had passed through your home town of Chihuahua, and wondered if there was anyone freaky there that could rock my boat. Its a little out of the way for me, but i have to take go where the wind takes me (also the person driving the car) so it was with great delight when i saw you in the chemist buying that home pregnancy kit..so can you tell me the results? Who is the father? I would imagine if i was in your shoes that i would come in from a night of heavy drinking and feel a bit horny and accidentally knock myself up. Is that even possible? What if you have a wank and there is some leakage that dribbles down and manages to find its way into your beef curtains? You would have to be careful i would think. Being a lesbian, i am assuming you have not had relations with a man, so its only safe to assume that you are now the proud mother/father of your own child. Please confirm if this is the case. I would love to be apart of `its` life. Being shunned from the entire Amish community must have left you very lonely and i would love to be apart of your life. So how in fact did you end up in the town of Chihuahua anyway, did you get the wanders like me, or is that how far you had to travel to avoid the wrath of the angry Amish clan? If you don't mind me saying its time to sever the ties with that horrid cult and as a very attractive hermaphrodite with the loveliest of norgs, the long scraggly facial hair and mutton chop side burns do not help your femininity. I only say this as your new friend.
Well as we discussed as you were shopping at Aphrodite's Hermaphrodite Hut, i am still having problems with my foreskin. My mom always said that the reason the foreskin was there was to protect my knob, and the reason my knob was there was to stop my hand flying off the end. So it was with great sadness that i lost my foreskin and my constant search to replace it continues. Yesterday, i tried luncheon meat, but found that after a while all it managed to do was make me hungry. The toothpick holding it on was also a deterrent from me wanting to keep it their any longer. So i shall keep looking for the elusive home made prosthetic that will make my purple headed womb ferret complete once more.
Well my lovely Sunday, i have prattled on long enough, i shall go for now. I like to drift off to sleep while looking at the pictures of the girl inserting the pringle can on this phone, and as you would know, i need 1 hand free to make the `bald man spew`
My love to you, and i look forward in hearing from you soon..
your homeless pal, Hector Horatio Hobgoblinson
Introducing Hector Horatio and Sunday Sanchez
My dearest friend Jessica, who lives in the UK and i, have decided that since we know each other so well, that for something different we would correspond with each other in the form of characters that we created for each other....the following entries are the emails we have sent back and forth so far and its my intention to then publish each one as they are sent and received. Let me set the scene...
My character is Hector Horatio Hobgoblinson who is a 74 year old homeless man travelling the world. In his younger days he had a massive fixation for masturbation that resulted in his foreskin falling off. As he travels the world now, his main goal is to try and replicate his `foreskin` out of anything possible. As you`ll see, as the correspondence continues, he has various attempts where some work and some don't. But that aside, his adventures alone, are just as captivating.
Jess`s character is Sunday Sanchez who a very attractive 20 something hermaphrodite lesbian from Amish country whose parents raised as a boy. Due to her feminine looks, she is also a contestant on the current series of `Americas next top model` and is currently filming the show in various exotic locations.
So let the correspondence begin, at this point we have only written to each other 3 times, so not even know where this journey is going to take us, but we hope you enjoy the ride...
My character is Hector Horatio Hobgoblinson who is a 74 year old homeless man travelling the world. In his younger days he had a massive fixation for masturbation that resulted in his foreskin falling off. As he travels the world now, his main goal is to try and replicate his `foreskin` out of anything possible. As you`ll see, as the correspondence continues, he has various attempts where some work and some don't. But that aside, his adventures alone, are just as captivating.
Jess`s character is Sunday Sanchez who a very attractive 20 something hermaphrodite lesbian from Amish country whose parents raised as a boy. Due to her feminine looks, she is also a contestant on the current series of `Americas next top model` and is currently filming the show in various exotic locations.
So let the correspondence begin, at this point we have only written to each other 3 times, so not even know where this journey is going to take us, but we hope you enjoy the ride...
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