The first letter from Hector to Sanchez

Dear Sunday,

How are you today on this fine Sunday? I am laying here in my top bunk bed typing this email on that phone i had found when hitching through Chicago. Its not a bad phone, has all the gadgets, Internet, camera etc, although having said that, it would appear that the previous owner of the phone certainly likes to take photos, crude ones of her with Pringles cans being shoved into her vajayjay (editors note - this really happened where Jess found a phone with dirty pics on it and proceeded to forward it to all the girls friends),
I have to laugh cause it would also appear that she accidentally sent them to a heap of people on her phone, as a day doesn't go past where i don't receive some horrid text from someone who has been unfortunate to see it. Uncle Mooty seemed particularly unimpressed.

So how is my favourite Lesbian with the teeny weeny today? I cant believe i have actually become friends with a hermaphrodite. It was only a couple of months ago i had passed through your home town of Chihuahua, and wondered if there was anyone freaky there that could rock my boat. Its a little out of the way for me, but i have to take go where the wind takes me (also the person driving the car) so it was with great delight when i saw you in the chemist buying that home pregnancy kit..so can you tell me the results? Who is the father? I would imagine if i was in your shoes that i would come in from a night of heavy drinking and feel a bit horny and accidentally knock myself up. Is that even possible? What if you have a wank and there is some leakage that dribbles down and manages to find its way into your beef curtains? You would have to be careful i would think. Being a lesbian, i am assuming you have not had relations with a man, so its only safe to assume that you are now the proud mother/father of your own child. Please confirm if this is the case. I would love to be apart of `its` life. Being shunned from the entire Amish community must have left you very lonely and i would love to be apart of your life. So how in fact did you end up in the town of Chihuahua anyway, did you get the wanders like me, or is that how far you had to travel to avoid the wrath of the angry Amish clan? If you don't mind me saying its time to sever the ties with that horrid cult and as a very attractive hermaphrodite with the loveliest of norgs, the long scraggly facial hair and mutton chop side burns do not help your femininity. I only say this as your new friend.

Well as we discussed as you were shopping at Aphrodite's Hermaphrodite Hut, i am still having problems with my foreskin. My mom always said that the reason the foreskin was there was to protect my knob, and the reason my knob was there was to stop my hand flying off the end. So it was with great sadness that i lost my foreskin and my constant search to replace it continues. Yesterday, i tried luncheon meat, but found that after a while all it managed to do was make me hungry. The toothpick holding it on was also a deterrent from me wanting to keep it their any longer. So i shall keep looking for the elusive home made prosthetic that will make my purple headed womb ferret complete once more.

Well my lovely Sunday, i have prattled on long enough, i shall go for now. I like to drift off to sleep while looking at the pictures of the girl inserting the pringle can on this phone, and as you would know, i need 1 hand free to make the `bald man spew`

My love to you, and i look forward in hearing from you soon..

your homeless pal, Hector Horatio Hobgoblinson